Schemes, Scams, and Other Ways I Have Been Inspired to Make Money Quickly

On December 11th, 2008, Bernard Madoff was arrested for operating what was one of the largest Ponzi schemes in history. Ponzi schemes (and similar money-making schemes like pyramid schemes and matrix schemes) work by attracting investors with high short-term returns that are paid with investments from other investors rather than actual profits. So the operation grows as long as it continues to attract more and more investors. These schemes are illegal. They are also absolutely brilliant. The only problem is that they inevitably collapse because people stop investing, or the feds break it up before it can collapse. I, however, have come up with a solution using what I learned in business school (I didn't go to business school), to make these schemes both fool- and bulletproof (it's not bulletproof - a bullet would kill me and thus end all my hard work).

Let's consider neil's hypothetical (real) lunchbox matrix scheme. Anyone who buys a neil lunchbox from me for the low low price of $45.99 (97/100) will receive in the mail a brand new Nintendo Wii one month later. While they wait that month, presumably more people buy my lunchboxes, which gives me the funding for the Wiis. But how do I make sure I have a never ending supply of investors?  Simple: I constantly produce children. Once they're 12 or 13 and are physically strong enough to make some decent money, I put them to work and force them to buy into my scheme. All kids need lunchboxes anyways, so everyone wins. This way, as long as I'm physically capable of having children, I have an endless supply of investors, and if I ever stop being able to produce offspring, well, I wouldn't even want to continue living, let alone making money. And I could save money by not actually giving them any Wiis because I don't want them playing video games.

This, however, isn't a perfect fix. There's still that pesky problem of the feds (which is slang for the fuzz). In order to prevent raising suspicion, all transactions would have to be done in secret. Since we all know the best hiding spot is in plain sight, I've applied for a job as a secretary working in the FBI building. My child-investors would come in disguised as visitors and I would discretely hand them a neil lunchbox with a U.O.Me in it, they'd mail the money on over at a later time, and it would appear simply as though I were giving my children their lunch.

It's too bad Bernard Madoff - former chairman of the NASDAQ stock market, current chairman of the Kansas City Royals (citation: wikipedia - "lie") - isn't as smart of a businessman as I am. Otherwise he would have gotten away with not only $50 billion, but also with as many Wiis as he could handle and a stable job as a secretary.