The Rules of Basketball as Explained by a Computer Scientist

Let player1, player2, player3, player4, player5 be contained in team1.

Let player6, player7, player8, player9, player10 be contained in team2.

Also let 1bench1, 1bench2, etc. be benched players on team1 and 2bench1, 2bench2, etc. be benched players on team2.

If possession > 0, team1 has possession.  If possession < 0, team2 has possession.

Jump ball:

Possession = 0.

If maxheight (player1, player2, player3, player4, player5) > maxheight (player6, player7, player8, player9, player10) then possession = 1.

Else, possession = -1.

Let degree of unfairness = |maxheight (team1) - maxheight (team2)|

Travelling:

Stepcount = 0.

If playerx takes a step, stepcount = stepcount + 1.

If playerx dribbles, stepcount = 0.

If stepcount >= 2.5, print "Travelling."

Possession = -possession.

Playerx = embarrassed.

Personal Foul - Playerx fouls playery:

Freethrowcount = 0.

If playery is dribbling, freethrowcount = 0, possession = possession.

Playerxfoulcount = playerxfoulcount + 1, teamfoulcount = teamfoulcount +1.

If teamfoulcount >= 7, freethrowcount = 1.  If teamfoulcount >= 10, freethrowcount = 2.

If playery is shooting and if (playery - hoop) > 22 feet, freethrowcount = 3.

Else if playery is shooting, freethrowcount = 2.

Possession = -possession.

If playerxfoulcount = 6, substitution(playerx) and playerx = embarrassed.

Technical foul:

If playerx, coach1, or coach2 is pissed, print "Technical foul."

Technicalfoulcount = technicalfoulcount + 1, teamfoulcount = teamfoulcount + 1.

If ran(1, 2) = 1, player or coach takes physical action, referee = injuredreferee.

If ran(1, 2) = 2, player or coach spits, court = gross.

Other team's freethrowcount = 2.

If technicalfoulcount = 2, playerx or coach1 or coach2 is ejected.

Playerx, coach1, or coach2 = super pissed and embarrassed.

Betting:

Better1 bets $ on team1.

If team1 > team2, better1 = better1 + (R * $) where R = odds.

If team2 > team1, better1 = better1 - $, better1 = screwed, better1's wife will get upset like she does every time I do anything remotely wrong, even if it's not that bad, just friendly betting with guys from the office.

Better1bed = livingroomcouch.

Schemes, Scams, and Other Ways I Have Been Inspired to Make Money Quickly

On December 11th, 2008, Bernard Madoff was arrested for operating what was one of the largest Ponzi schemes in history. Ponzi schemes (and similar money-making schemes like pyramid schemes and matrix schemes) work by attracting investors with high short-term returns that are paid with investments from other investors rather than actual profits. So the operation grows as long as it continues to attract more and more investors. These schemes are illegal. They are also absolutely brilliant. The only problem is that they inevitably collapse because people stop investing, or the feds break it up before it can collapse. I, however, have come up with a solution using what I learned in business school (I didn't go to business school), to make these schemes both fool- and bulletproof (it's not bulletproof - a bullet would kill me and thus end all my hard work).

Let's consider neil's hypothetical (real) lunchbox matrix scheme. Anyone who buys a neil lunchbox from me for the low low price of $45.99 (97/100) will receive in the mail a brand new Nintendo Wii one month later. While they wait that month, presumably more people buy my lunchboxes, which gives me the funding for the Wiis. But how do I make sure I have a never ending supply of investors?  Simple: I constantly produce children. Once they're 12 or 13 and are physically strong enough to make some decent money, I put them to work and force them to buy into my scheme. All kids need lunchboxes anyways, so everyone wins. This way, as long as I'm physically capable of having children, I have an endless supply of investors, and if I ever stop being able to produce offspring, well, I wouldn't even want to continue living, let alone making money. And I could save money by not actually giving them any Wiis because I don't want them playing video games.

This, however, isn't a perfect fix. There's still that pesky problem of the feds (which is slang for the fuzz). In order to prevent raising suspicion, all transactions would have to be done in secret. Since we all know the best hiding spot is in plain sight, I've applied for a job as a secretary working in the FBI building. My child-investors would come in disguised as visitors and I would discretely hand them a neil lunchbox with a U.O.Me in it, they'd mail the money on over at a later time, and it would appear simply as though I were giving my children their lunch.

It's too bad Bernard Madoff - former chairman of the NASDAQ stock market, current chairman of the Kansas City Royals (citation: wikipedia - "lie") - isn't as smart of a businessman as I am. Otherwise he would have gotten away with not only $50 billion, but also with as many Wiis as he could handle and a stable job as a secretary.

"Hello, world!" - note the proper use of quotation marks

For those of you who have been keeping up to date on my blogging history, you may have noticed that I used a similar title for my previous-first blog post.  This may upset you, or make you want to stop reading, or turn you off to my new line of neil-products including t-shirts and lunchboxes with neil all over them. However, before you search for lunchboxes from other businesses, allow me to defend myself.  "Hello, world" is required to be in the first post of a blog.  In fact, it's illegal not to include it in most states (citation: wikipedia - "law").  It's more illegal than jay-walking, but not quite as illegal as murder.  Probably somewhere in the burglary area of illegality.  So by abiding by this law, it frees up other illegal-points for me to spend elsewhere (burglary).  Also, it's nice to say hello to someone more than once.

By now, several of you will have stopped reading.  For those of you who have powered through the first little bit, allow me to thank you profusely and offer you a vintage lunchbox, now on sale from neil's place of business for the low price of $whatever you want to give me.  In this blog, I will attempt (fail) to make the reader laugh, cry, think, breathe, and, of course, give me money (citation: wikipedia - "breathing (disambiguation)").  So if any of you or anyone you know wants to do any of those, check back here occasionally and send links all over the place.  You might just win a free lunchbox for as little as $4.99*, and if you don't continue to read you might find your possessions burglarized someday soon.

Goodbye hello world,

neil

*four payments of $1.24, and then 3 more cents