An All-Purpose Speech

Attention everyone, there are a few things I'd like to say:

1 2 3. 4, 5, 6 7 8 9 and 10. 11 12 and 13. However, 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 and 21, so 22 23 24. 25, 26 27 28 29. 30 31 32 33 34; 35, 36 37 and 38. Not only 39 40 41, but also 42 43 and 44. 45 46, and 47 48.

49. 50.

51 52 53 54. 55 56 57 and 58 59 60. Furthermore, 61. Thus, 62.

But 63! And 64 65 66 67! 68!

69 70, 71 72 73 74 75. 76 and 77, but 78, 79, and 80.

In conclusion, 81 82 83. 84, 85, 86. 87. 88 89 90.

91.

92.

93, 94. 95 96 97 98 99: 100.

Thank you.

2009 is the Worst Year to Date

This is a no-brainer. This new year (or stu-year, as I like to call it, which is short for stupid-dumb-bad-suck year) is the worst year to date. Before you disagree, let me take you on a roller coaster of reasons that will rigorously prove this claim. If afterwards you aren't feeling sick and throwing up, you can redeem your ticket stub at the front gate for a complimentary lunchbox. Why 2009 sucks:

1. Holidays

This new year has not had any good holidays. Compare it to the hundreds, no - thousands, no - dozens of holidays we had in 2008. Christmas? Yep, I remember Christmas 2008. Of course, being Jewish I can only appreciate the joy and happiness that comes with Christmas from afar, but I haven't even had that option in 2009. Does anyone remember Christmas 2009? Didn't think so. What about birthdays? I haven't had a birthday in 2009. I had a birthday literally every year before this one - 2008, yep, 2007, also yep, 1995 yes, 642 yes, 21 BCE yes yes yes, yes to all those other years, yes and yes. 2009? Nope. And all the other fun holidays? 2009 is missing all of them: Daylight saving time, Presidents Day, Vice-presidents Day, Stop Eating and Breathing Week, Steal Like a Pirate Day, etc. Come on, 2009, you call yourself a year? I'll believe it when I see it, and I guarantee I won't see it because you decided to skip over annual Seeing and Looking month.

2. The Arts

In 2008, there were literally 12 billion new music albums released. Britney Spears released an album in 2008. Beyonce released an album in 2008. Rapper Ludacris was responsible for the other 11,999,999,998. Compare this to the 2009 music scene: Britney and Beyonce are both tied with a whopping 0 albums released in 2009, and Ludacris is slacking with only 6 billion. Of course, being Jewish only lets me appreciate this kind of music from afar, but this near-halt of the music industry in 2009 affects me too. Other art industries are the same. Anybody seen any good movies released in 2009? I sure haven't. Granted, I illegally pirated a copy of 2009: A Space Odyssey on Steal Like a Pirate Day 2008, so I'm a little ahead of the average movie-goer. Aside from that though, there have been none. It's the same for everything: Books, comic books, graphic novels, picture books, books with pictures in them, books with graphics, you name it. Every other year has produced more and better of all of these than 2009. Even blogs, too. There have been a total of 0 (edit: 1) blog posts in 2009, far fewer than there were in 2008, and every year before that all the way back to 1863 when Abraham Lincoln started the still popular blog Stuff White People Like.

3. Births of Famous People

Michael Jordan was born in 1963. Larry Bird was born in 1956. Bill Murray was born in 1950. Question: What do these three famous people have in common? Answer: None of them were born in 2009. Another answer: They were all actors in the hit movie Space Jam. Space Jam was released (born, some may say) in 1996 (see above for movies released not in 2009). Fact: Literally hundreds of babies are born each year. Some of them grow up to be famous basketball players or famous Bill Murrays (There may have been a Bill Murray born in 2009, but certainly not a famous one). Fact: Every famous basketball player and every famous Bill Murray was born before 2009.

Clearly 2009 falls short as a year. If, somehow, it manages to pull its head out of its ass and starts having some holidays, starts releasing good art, and starts producing some famous people, I will write a post apologizing profusely to 2009 and its friends and family. Until then, however, I remain skeptical.

The Rules of Basketball as Explained by a Computer Scientist

Let player1, player2, player3, player4, player5 be contained in team1.

Let player6, player7, player8, player9, player10 be contained in team2.

Also let 1bench1, 1bench2, etc. be benched players on team1 and 2bench1, 2bench2, etc. be benched players on team2.

If possession > 0, team1 has possession.  If possession < 0, team2 has possession.

Jump ball:

Possession = 0.

If maxheight (player1, player2, player3, player4, player5) > maxheight (player6, player7, player8, player9, player10) then possession = 1.

Else, possession = -1.

Let degree of unfairness = |maxheight (team1) - maxheight (team2)|

Travelling:

Stepcount = 0.

If playerx takes a step, stepcount = stepcount + 1.

If playerx dribbles, stepcount = 0.

If stepcount >= 2.5, print "Travelling."

Possession = -possession.

Playerx = embarrassed.

Personal Foul - Playerx fouls playery:

Freethrowcount = 0.

If playery is dribbling, freethrowcount = 0, possession = possession.

Playerxfoulcount = playerxfoulcount + 1, teamfoulcount = teamfoulcount +1.

If teamfoulcount >= 7, freethrowcount = 1.  If teamfoulcount >= 10, freethrowcount = 2.

If playery is shooting and if (playery - hoop) > 22 feet, freethrowcount = 3.

Else if playery is shooting, freethrowcount = 2.

Possession = -possession.

If playerxfoulcount = 6, substitution(playerx) and playerx = embarrassed.

Technical foul:

If playerx, coach1, or coach2 is pissed, print "Technical foul."

Technicalfoulcount = technicalfoulcount + 1, teamfoulcount = teamfoulcount + 1.

If ran(1, 2) = 1, player or coach takes physical action, referee = injuredreferee.

If ran(1, 2) = 2, player or coach spits, court = gross.

Other team's freethrowcount = 2.

If technicalfoulcount = 2, playerx or coach1 or coach2 is ejected.

Playerx, coach1, or coach2 = super pissed and embarrassed.

Betting:

Better1 bets $ on team1.

If team1 > team2, better1 = better1 + (R * $) where R = odds.

If team2 > team1, better1 = better1 - $, better1 = screwed, better1's wife will get upset like she does every time I do anything remotely wrong, even if it's not that bad, just friendly betting with guys from the office.

Better1bed = livingroomcouch.

Schemes, Scams, and Other Ways I Have Been Inspired to Make Money Quickly

On December 11th, 2008, Bernard Madoff was arrested for operating what was one of the largest Ponzi schemes in history. Ponzi schemes (and similar money-making schemes like pyramid schemes and matrix schemes) work by attracting investors with high short-term returns that are paid with investments from other investors rather than actual profits. So the operation grows as long as it continues to attract more and more investors. These schemes are illegal. They are also absolutely brilliant. The only problem is that they inevitably collapse because people stop investing, or the feds break it up before it can collapse. I, however, have come up with a solution using what I learned in business school (I didn't go to business school), to make these schemes both fool- and bulletproof (it's not bulletproof - a bullet would kill me and thus end all my hard work).

Let's consider neil's hypothetical (real) lunchbox matrix scheme. Anyone who buys a neil lunchbox from me for the low low price of $45.99 (97/100) will receive in the mail a brand new Nintendo Wii one month later. While they wait that month, presumably more people buy my lunchboxes, which gives me the funding for the Wiis. But how do I make sure I have a never ending supply of investors?  Simple: I constantly produce children. Once they're 12 or 13 and are physically strong enough to make some decent money, I put them to work and force them to buy into my scheme. All kids need lunchboxes anyways, so everyone wins. This way, as long as I'm physically capable of having children, I have an endless supply of investors, and if I ever stop being able to produce offspring, well, I wouldn't even want to continue living, let alone making money. And I could save money by not actually giving them any Wiis because I don't want them playing video games.

This, however, isn't a perfect fix. There's still that pesky problem of the feds (which is slang for the fuzz). In order to prevent raising suspicion, all transactions would have to be done in secret. Since we all know the best hiding spot is in plain sight, I've applied for a job as a secretary working in the FBI building. My child-investors would come in disguised as visitors and I would discretely hand them a neil lunchbox with a U.O.Me in it, they'd mail the money on over at a later time, and it would appear simply as though I were giving my children their lunch.

It's too bad Bernard Madoff - former chairman of the NASDAQ stock market, current chairman of the Kansas City Royals (citation: wikipedia - "lie") - isn't as smart of a businessman as I am. Otherwise he would have gotten away with not only $50 billion, but also with as many Wiis as he could handle and a stable job as a secretary.

"Hello, world!" - note the proper use of quotation marks

For those of you who have been keeping up to date on my blogging history, you may have noticed that I used a similar title for my previous-first blog post.  This may upset you, or make you want to stop reading, or turn you off to my new line of neil-products including t-shirts and lunchboxes with neil all over them. However, before you search for lunchboxes from other businesses, allow me to defend myself.  "Hello, world" is required to be in the first post of a blog.  In fact, it's illegal not to include it in most states (citation: wikipedia - "law").  It's more illegal than jay-walking, but not quite as illegal as murder.  Probably somewhere in the burglary area of illegality.  So by abiding by this law, it frees up other illegal-points for me to spend elsewhere (burglary).  Also, it's nice to say hello to someone more than once.

By now, several of you will have stopped reading.  For those of you who have powered through the first little bit, allow me to thank you profusely and offer you a vintage lunchbox, now on sale from neil's place of business for the low price of $whatever you want to give me.  In this blog, I will attempt (fail) to make the reader laugh, cry, think, breathe, and, of course, give me money (citation: wikipedia - "breathing (disambiguation)").  So if any of you or anyone you know wants to do any of those, check back here occasionally and send links all over the place.  You might just win a free lunchbox for as little as $4.99*, and if you don't continue to read you might find your possessions burglarized someday soon.

Goodbye hello world,

neil

*four payments of $1.24, and then 3 more cents